sandbarista

Scripts…

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I’ve been thinking about scripting in the psychological sense lately. I remember having read that the script your parents told you—verbally or through their interaction with you—would be the script you tell yourself your whole life.

Supposedly, it’s that pervasive inner voice that echoes throughout your being. It could be uplifting or damaging, depending on what your parents or authority figure in your life said or made you feel. Awareness of the script can empower you to either nurture that script into fruition if it’s great, say “you’re awesome.” The same awareness could push you to fight the script if it’s particularly debilitating to your growth as an adult; for example: “you’re dumb and will never amount to anything.”

In my little head, I have the following scripts swimming around:

“You’ll be pretty when you lose weight.”

“You are not pretty so you should at least dress well.”

“You are not pretty so you should be smart.”

“Your eyes/face looks dumb.” or “You look dumb.”

“You will have diabetes.”

“You are not the prettiest niece, maybe you’re third prettiest.”

Typing the scripts above was difficult. They came from people I love and respect and yet the words are truly hurtful. They’ve been etched on my mind (and heart) and as much as I try to resist it, I remember them constantly as I go about my daily life.

When I am meeting someone for the first time, facing a client, doing a presentation—whenever I need the most confidence—these scripts pop in and remind me of my inadequacies looks-wise. That’s why failure in school or work hit me doubly hard. If I fail to perform in the ‘brains’ department then what do I have left? Nothing, just my fugly, scarred face.

Having PCOS and it’s many symptoms does not help either. I feel less and less a woman, and I dread being looked at by anyone. I use my humor to shield myself from other people’s eyes…I figured if they’re laughing they won’t notice my imperfections, if I make them laugh they’d at least like me for my personality.

Everyday, I do battle with these scripts.  Looking at the mirror each day, I face my demons.

 

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