I laugh as I re-read my entry on the 2nd day of 2020.
It was a post dripping with hope and gratitude. A hope common at the start of every new year. Gratitude for being alive and having the energy to make things happen.
Fast forward to today. Middle of May, close to the middle of the year. A year that feels like 10 years. A year where days have melted into each other. There are no more delineations between Mondays and Sundays. No more lines between 11:30 AM lunchtime with a meeting and update time with colleagues.
My role in my current company is also in flux. Instead of being able to focus, I am made to do all things just because there aren’t as many resources available as we had planned for.
Our dreams and ambitions as a newly-married couple will also need to be more flexible. Because the next few months are up in the air and while incomes are stable now, we don’t know for how long. It’s not giving up, it’s about adapting. And being ready to adapt as needed. I want to live in the NOW but also keep one eye on the future.
The pandemic could turn for the better (with spread controlled, more testing or a vaccine developed) or for the worse. And I want to be as informed as I can as possible.
My husband criticizes me for watching videos about the pandemic. But I keep at it because I want to be able to know what’s happenning not just in the Philippines but all over the world. Some are struggling while others are coping. It’s my way of getting a handle on the situation and getting through this.
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I’ve been outside a couple of times for a grocery/medicine run, but things are not the same as before.
Grocery shopping, a favorite activity since my childhood, isn’t as fun anymore.
Before: I spent many hours scouring the shelves for “new” items to try out.
Now: I need to be in a hurry to minimize exposure to the virus. Pick only the tried-and-tested essentials because there isn’t a budget for experimenting.
There are no more taste-test booths, the shelves are half-empty or the stocks are on the floor. Perhaps not enough shelf-fillers are able to come to work. Items are not always neatly arranged.
Dining out was once a relaxing activity I looked forward to on weekends.
Before: It was always a choice between favorite places and new spots to try out. Seen as treat at the end of a tiring work week. We’d take as much photos to mark the special ocassion.
Now: No such thing as dine in anymore. Everything is for takeout and delivery only. Except for pizza, pasta, milk tea and chicken, things are not the same when eating it at home.
Sushi is not as fun without the train. Jamba juice is not as fresh when delivered. Coffee? 3-in-1 is fine nowadays.
When I think about it, except for our cat, there’s nothing we take photos of anymore.
I keep on reading articles saying that “it’s alright not to be OK” at this time. And I must admit, that I am not OK on most days. I have sleepless nights and very vivid dreams. Previous teachers, bosses are guests in my dreams. I have deadlines and projects to attend to in my dreams. That’s why in the morning, when I wake up, I feel far from refreshed.
Everybody in the world is going through their own thoughts, fears and may be processing the situation in their own way.
I know that we are all just trying to do our best.
sandbarista 